Missing Molly

Well, this week Molly is in Arkansas with her family while I am working a few days before driving down to meet her and spend Memorial Day weekend with her family! I've been revisiting many of these verses that remind me of the blessing she is to my life!

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. - Proverbs 18

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves.  - 1 Peter 3

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. - 1 Peter 3

As I read these verses, and spend more time as a married man, I notice a little more of God's glorious design for marriage. Marriage is built in to God's design for our existence! God said from the beginning that man was never meant to be alone (Gen 2:18), so God created woman to complete His grand design (and spruce up the place). Without woman, man was incomplete, even in paradise.

Thus, the Lord tied special blessings to marriage, other than sex, that unlock new facets of our identity and calling before the Lord. Marriage isn't only about personal happiness, although a marriage submitted to the leadership of Jesus will result in personal happiness. There are special attributes of our calling and relationship with God that are only unlocked through the experience of marriage. This is the favor of the Lord mentioned in Proverbs 18.

Why else would God make our prayers dependent on such an intricate and intimate relationship? Peter's address in 1 Peter 3 was not just to husbands and wives because the actual Greek words are intended for men and women of marriageable age, whether married or not. Peter is not just giving an address to married couples, he is giving a generation an invitation... He is describing the inter-dependent relationship of marriage and defining who we are called to be. 

Marriage is a glorious design. It reveals the nature of God in a very unique way so much so that Peter says that if men neglect it then our prayers aren't the same! I see this in my own life! I have never felt nearer to the Lord or more encouraged in my calling than in the days since I married Molly. And even now with just a few days apart, I feel the difference she makes in my life. I am so thankful for her!

My Opinion on the "Gift of Singleness"

Lately I have heard several teachings on the spiritual "gift of singleness" from various places and I thought I'd share a few of my thoughts about the season of singleness that we all face at some time in our lives. To begin, there has been a growing cultural pressure to validate singleness. Many of our young churchgoers are finding it increasingly difficult to find a suitable spouse in a culture of such wickedness so they are finding themselves single for an extended period of time. Rather than praising their Biblical standards, we are over-glorifying their singleness and misrepresenting marriage entirely. 

My opinion is directed primarily towards men, since I am a male.

First of all, it is unbiblical to relate the season of singleness that we all face in our youth to celibacy. Celibacy is a serious, lifelong vow that very few are called to make before the Lord (fewer than you think). Let us not confuse this serious vow with the seasonal trial of a 20-something. Matthew 19:11-12

Secondly, it is okay to desire marriage. Where did we get the idea that marriage is some kind of burden (Hollywood)? It is not bad to be married. You are not less holy if you are married. It is less holy to be single when you are called to marriage, and I guarantee there are many more of those out there than those genuinely called to celibacy...

Thirdly, many of those who are single are so because they are filled with selfishness. Marriage is a tutor in humility, a tutor many are not willing to accept. Many men are unwilling to put the needs of another before themselves and therefore wait for someone who will put them first. They are so focused on their own lack that they don't yield to the needs of others and are therefore waiting for someone who fulfills all of their needs. Man's pride has bound them and they are unwilling to put on Christ, therefore God has spared the poor woman who would have been their wife and suffered their pride. Their glorified singleness is Their fault. Matthew 19:8.

Fourthly, many are waiting for a spouse that does not exist. This is not to say that our standards are bad, because our values are very real and necessary. I am talking about the fantasy woman many have thought up in their mind who is without fault. Many of us are waiting for a flawless woman who fulfills all of our desires and makes us the hero, but again, this desire is also rooted in pride. They again fail to put someone else's needs before themselves and embrace the faults of another, as Christ loved us in our sin. Many women have passed them over because of the same pride.

Fifthly, marriage predates sin. Married is not some fix to a sin issue (namely our physical passions). God established marriage in paradise. We were designed to marry, rather than to be single. Jesus designed marriage! He was at the first wedding! He loves it! Gen 2:18, Pro 18:22, 31:10, Luke 20:34, Eph 5:31.

Finally, we must not distort the scriptures. Singleness is not a gift, for the overwhelming majority it is a season. There are those that are called to celibacy, but again this is a very small percentage of people who are purposefully called by the Lord. Many are confused by various teachings on 1 Corinthians 7, but Paul says "Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches (1 Cor 7:17)." For most, this call is to marriage. Therefore it is okay to desire marriage. God put that desire in you because you are called to marriage, and you will not fulfill all of your calling as you are single. That is just the truth. You need to get married to fulfill you calling as a husband and father, and I do not want to deny you the angst of this desire because it is God's desire for you.

Many teachers need to repent for allowing those who are called to marriage to stay single. We have lifted the God-given burden of our desire for marriage and called it holiness. Marriage is an awesome calling, and it is the holiest thing to pursue it as your calling. Being single does not make you more holy (especially if you are called to marriage). What makes you holy is to pursue God's will for your life, and in most cases, that is marriage. So please feel free to desire marriage! It is a most amazing calling!

The season of singleness does present great opportunities for ministry, but so does marriage. Paul does say in 1 Corinthians 7 that the married man's interested are divided between how to please his wife and how to please the Lord (v. 33-44), but isn't being a good husband pleasing to the Lord (especially if marriage and fatherhood are your calling)? I think we're reading a little to far outside of the context of Paul's instruction to the Corinthians, forgetting what the rest of the Bible says about marriage and concluding that marriage is a hinderance to ministry. If that were true, Paul would not encourage all church leaders to be married in 1 Timothy 3. I conclude that God intends marriage to make us more like Christ as a wonderful benefit to our ministry. I conclude that marriage is excellent for ministry, forcing me to face my pride, tutoring me in humility, fulfilling me in my relationship with my wife and calling as a father, and conforming me more to the image of Christ. Do not be deceived into thinking that singleness actually makes you a more effective minister when you have yet to realize your calling and face your pride. 

God bless those who are in search of a Godly spouse and those who are called purposefully to celibacy.

Here are a few other notes I have written concerning the value of marriage... I'm sure there are more to come:

The Value of Marriage

Marriage Counseling

It's The Little Things

Well, Molly has been battling some sort of illness for the last few days (not due to her current pregnancy) and has had a very rough weekend. Poor Molly has had a difficult pregnancy, but thankfully Samuel seems to have been perfect the entire time. Anyway we were at the hospital, getting her checked in just to be monitored because of her spiking fever and poor Molly was as exhausted as could be. We've slept very little in the last 48 hours and although I am a determined servant to my wife, I was certainly feeling the strain that Molly's illness was having on me. No husband wants to see his wife pregnant at 39 weeks be this sick. And after days of prayer and tireless work and pain (on her part), I was looking for a silver lining.

Yet, I have so looked forward to this day, the day(s) when I really get the opportunity to be a servant in greater ways to my wife. I remember on my wedding day thinking of days like this when I made my vows. I wrote my own vows thinking of the days of difficulty and trial. Today is a day of trial, certainly one of our greatest trials thus far, but I am glad to have it because this is why I entered into covenant. Marriage isn't marriage until you get the chance to serve in great trials like these.

In my disparity of the moment, the Lord played a little practical joke on me. When I was young, I collected Hot Wheels cars, and not just any Hot Wheels, I collected Dodge Viper Hot Wheels. Any color or body style, I wanted them all, and I had around 24 of them all in a little carrying case (I still have them to this day). To me, they were special, something I chose to collect for fun, and my favorite of all was the blue Viper with white racing stripes (the classic)!

Every once and while (maybe once every 2 years), I look at Wal-Mart to see if there are any more blue Vipers for sale in the Hot Wheels isle, and I haven't seen one probably since I was 10. Well tonight, we're at the hospital and we were trying to figure out how to extend the couch-bed conversion so that I could sleep (more or less, the thing is so uncomfortable). When we pulled the couch away from the wall, there was a little blue Viper with white racing stripes! OF ALL THINGS, my favorite little Hot Wheels collectable hiding behind the couch!

And I realize, even now, that these are the moments I am collecting, the moments where I get to serve my wife and give everything I have for her. In the midst of this trial, God is saying "these are the moments you want to collect and even search for, times when you get to give everything you have to serve your wife." Suddenly the great privilege of this trial comes to light and I realize the honor I have to be here with Molly, God's beloved daughter.

Each day the Lord coaches me a little more into becoming to husband Molly deserves, and this little Hot Wheels car will be a reminder for me for years to come. As for Molly, we aren't exactly sure what's causing her illness, it seems like some sort of virus, but Samuel is a-happy and a-kick'n no worries. We'll know more soon but for now we're just monitoring her and relieving some of the symptoms. Right now she's sleeping peacefully in the bed next to my chair and Samuel's heart is pumping at a perfect 145 bpm. Tomorrow is a new day, and that means new mercies. More, Lord!

The Value of Marriage

Well, I often hear many different individuals comment on the pros and cons of marriage vs. singleness. From pastors to teenagers, single to divorced, there are many different views on what the Bible says about our relationship status.

One interpretation that has been considerably bugging me recently has been related to 1 Corinthians 7:25-35, where Paul delivers his opinion related to marriage and celibacy. Many people, especially single teenagers, read this passage and immediately apply it to our American dating mentality whereas Paul is addressing celibacy. Right there, you see that we don't have the right understanding.

For instance, I hear people say that Paul discourages marriage because it is a hinderance our relationship with the Lord. First of all, you're declaring celibacy, because if you're called to marriage then you're in trouble. Were this interpretation true, you'd have two problems: (1) discontinuity with the rest of scripture and (2) marriage would have to be abolished in the church. Truly, if marriage is somehow a stumbling block between you and God, then you've got it backwards.

Another instance, I hear people, including many pastors use 1 Corinthians 7 to validate singleness, or namely, those who are not dating but waiting for marriage. Again, this is not about whether or not you should date, this is about whether or not you should get married... ever. This is not your one verse that validates your singleness, in fact if you know you're called to marriage (as 99% are), then you need to get delivered from this mindset that singleness is holiness. Singleness is not holiness if celibacy is not your calling. You are not any less pure if you get married, and you are not any less holy or consecrated if marriage is your calling. If you are called to celibacy and you get married, then that's another story, and if you're called to marriage, and you give yourself to celibacy, then grace, grace to you.

Now, I am not condoning casual dating at all. I am a huge proponent of only dating with marriage as the intention. Truly, there is nothing you should be doing that you can't do as good friends until you are ready to pursue the thought of marriage. Casual dating scientifically prepares you for divorce, but this is another exposition.

Consider 1 Corinthians 7:17, "Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him." If you are called to marriage, then you should pursue marriage, if you are called to be single, then you should pursue the Lord apart from a spouse. I remember several years ago I was in college and single with no prospects and I knew I was called to marriage, so I prayed this prayer: "Lord, you called me to marriage, and I want to be in your will, so give me favor in this pursuit as it is your calling over my life." Guess who I dated next... my wife! Just sayin'... we need to get out of the dating game and get into intentional dating under the leadership of Jesus.

Here's another nice tidbit from Paul on marriage. Consider 1 Timothy 4:1-5 where Paul (the same author) testifies concerning the signs of the end of the age. It is believed that Paul discourages marriage according to 1 Corinthians 7 because "time is short," related to the return of Jesus. But here in 1 Timothy 4, Paul makes it clear that the sign of the times related to marriage will be FALSE teachers who FORBID marriage. So how can Paul discourage marriage in 1 Corinthians 7 because Jesus is coming and then say that false teachers at the end of the age will forbid marriage? Under that interpretation, Paul is a false teacher!

This contradiction lies not in the Scripture but in our understanding of the Paul's intention. So what are we to think about marriage? Are we to abstain from marriage? Not if marriage is your calling. Everything and everyone has their season, but don't think you're staying single because it somehow helps your relationship with God.

This post has gotten too lengthy, so I'll bring it to a close. Just consider that marriage is actually a key establishment towards you becoming more like Christ. Marriage actually better conforms you to the image of Christ. Marriage was established before sin entered the world, so marriage does not exist to fix a sin issue. Rather, marriage was a part of God's perfection. The issue is humility and dependance on God. If anything will benefit your relationship with the Lord, how about the daily sacrificial love of marriage and denial of self. You want to carry your cross daily and put someone else before yourself, get married. I'm telling you, there is no better way to grow in your relationship with and dependance upon the Lord than to get married. Marriage is glorious. It is only as hard as each of you are prideful. Besides, we need babies!

Marriage Counseling

Before we were married, Molly and I went to a pre-marital counseling seminar with about 15 other couples for a day. On that day, Molly and I were surprised to hear presenter after presenter talk about how horribly hard marriage is and how difficult it is and one presenter even said, "Your marriage has to die before it can come to life." Truthfully, all of our presenters had nearly failed their marriage, and while their experience was helpful to learn from, it pointed to one consistent fact: marriage is only done right under the leadership of Jesus. All of the horror stories that those presenters shared about their marriages were stories when they were not following Jesus and they were not serving their spouse.

From that day, Molly and I determined that we would speak well of marriage and commit ourselves to submission to Jesus' leadership. Honestly Molly and I just got sick of people speaking poorly of marriage. Marriage is hard, but that is the very characteristic that makes it glorious. Marriage is hard because we all have pride. Marriage is hard because it forces us to die to ourselves. There is no better way to learn humility than through marriage. Therefore, praise God for marriage.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

Now, many read that passage and originally think Paul is discouraging marriage or even condemning marriage, but this passage actually encourages me in my marriage. Paul admits that marriage is difficult, but that is all. Paul is encouraging singleness as the easier route, but I am proud to accept the daily death to myself that is my marriage. I take pride in considering my wife before myself. And I will take pride in raising Godly children who will shake history. I do not want the path of least resistance, I want the path that forces me to be like Jesus. I look at the difficulty that is marriage and welcome it because I know it is killing the sin in my own heart.

Did not Paul also say in 1 Corinthians 9:25-27

"Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."

Marriage is a form of spiritual conditioning. I didn't get married to live an easy life free of concern. I chose marriage for its difficulty because it forces me to be humble. Not only that, but I married into the thrill of spending my life with someone as amazing as Molly. When people tell you marriage is hard, praise God for its difficultly because it can be our salvation.

Finally, marriage is a picture of eternity. Paul writes in Ephesians 5:22-25

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. . . Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

Why does Paul tell wives to submit and husbands to love? Get past the what and look at why. Marriage is a picture of the love of Christ for us, and I want my marriage to be a mirror image of eternity. Therefore we can't be bitter towards marriage and speak poorly of what should be giving glory to God. Our spouse may be difficult and horrible but that is only because marriage only works under the leadership of Jesus... because after all... marriage is about Jesus! God is the leading expert when it comes to marriage because He established it to begin with. Honor marriage. Speak well of marriage. Never condemn marriage, because marriage is about eternity.

The bitter mentality we have towards marriage is only due to a culture that hates commitment and that discards the truths of scripture. America doesn't want to die to themselves or serve their spouses. If we did, then the marriage covenant would be the most prized part of our culture. Instead we have divorce rampant in the church and our teenagers know nothing of commitment or the sacredness of marriage.

It is time for a marriage revolution in America.

My favorite marriage quote comes from Marci Epp who said, "Marriage is hard, but it is a good hard!"